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Top communicators use a simple principle that guarantees that their kids take notice of them. They use the proximity principle to great effect.

I learned about the proximity principle as I observed good communications and behaviour management practice of children by adults (both teachers and parents) over a period of time. The good operators, I noted, were conscious of the time, place and space they worked in when dealing with children, particularly those kids who were upset or angry.

Okay, what is the proximity principle ?

The proximity principle is about making the best use of time, place and space to maximise our communication with others. Lets look a little closer.

If you want your children to take notice of you and really hear you then you need to move into their proximal space, which is different to invading their personal space. A childs proximal space is that space that is about an arms length away. Move closer and you are invading their personal space. This is okay with some children but for many this just sends them off as they feel threatened.

You also need to consider the timing of your communication. As a general rule, avoid talking with kids when either you or they are angry as you can talk until you turn blue and they wont listen. You also need to be mindful of the place where communication occurs. For instance, kids are more receptive to messages when you are both seated as this is the conversation position. Also speaking in private is also more effective than speaking in public.

The proximity principle is a simple idea but it has wide application. Lets look at some examples.

A mother at the beach was yelling at her five year old to stop throwing sand. At ten metres away from her child she received little joy. She then moved into her sons proximal space (about a metre away), which meant she lowered her voice and made eye contact. The result was her son stopped throwing sand and changed activities.

A teenager came home from school and was greeted with a how was your day? from her high energy dad. Her response was a disinterested shrug. Dad changed tack and waited until his daughter was seated and sat near her and began a conversation. This time he made a connection. The timing was better but he also made use of space by moving close, making eye contact and then launching into a conversation. She was far more receptive.

A ten-year-old throws a tantrum in the supermarket as his mother wouldnt buy a certain item. His mother avoids getting into conflict here. Basically, she just grins and bears it but she doesnt give in. Later at home she sits down near him when he is relaxed and revisits the situation. He is more open to listening to his mother as she has made good use of the proximity principle of time, place and space.

The proximity principle is blindingly obvious however, due to many factors, we often neglect to use it. I know when my communication falls on death ears its usually because I have neglected some aspect of the proximity principle. Now, I am letting you in on some of my real secrets! Communication is all about the little things like timing, space and place the proximity principle. Practise it and put it to good use and youll wonder why you didnt use it before.

PS: It works wonders with partners too!

Michael Grose is a popular parenting expert and media commentator. He is the director of Parentingideas, the author of seven books for parents and a popular expert who speaks to audiences in Australia, Singapore and the USA. For the absolute best advice and ideas, free courses and fabulous resources to help you raise happy kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au